First of all I can officially announce that I am married! I did go through with the wedding despite my concerns. I wasn’t able to bring myself to cancelling or delaying the wedding, after all I sincerely love my other half and wouldn’t want to lose him from my life. And although this perhaps shouldn’t have been a consideration, I was too worried about what our guests would think about the wedding being called off. How do you go about telling them what’s going on in your head, (If you tell them anything at all.)
Maybe I should elaborate…or maybe exposing my thoughts to you would make you look down upon me or regard me in a distasteful manner. Or perhaps you’ve felt just like me at some point in your relationship or are even feeling like it now. Whether I should be ashamed is something I’m not 100% sure of but I feel that I would likely receive a negative response in exposing the truth. In fact when I told my sister that I was having cold feet, she thought I must be going mad.
I digress, the thoughts I had as I mentioned in part one was whether I could really commit myself to a monogamous marriage as I was already craving the sexual desire and attention of other men…. (Damn! There I said it!) *Queue onslaught*
If you’ve not throw your device across the room and are still reading perhaps you feel this is a normal human feeling. Do we all not crave to be desired? and perhaps as your relationship ages you begin to lose the desire and it becomes replaced with monotony? Does the excitement fade as you’ve known each other for so long you know what to expect and are no longer thrilled by it?
Human desire sounds like a cop out. It’s easy to blame our human ways. Those God damn cave men! Perhaps it was and is more of psychological issue as my self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth are all on the lower end of the scale. Was I trying to make myself feel better about myself? To feel more desired, more attractive, more of a person that someone would want to get to know. Of course it’s a possibility. Surely I should know what it’s all about? In fact no, I am just as confused.
So what happened or where did this desire come from all of a sudden? To be honest I always had a lot of sexual desire but managed to keep myself to one person during the course of my 13 year relationship but was that because no one had tempted me or because I’d managed to suppress it and live happily with one person? Was the fear of this upcoming lawful commitment enough to blow away the facade of happy fidelity? Like I said before I am never one to say never and think that things happen for a reason. I don’t like to commit to anything. Whatever happens happens, why should I control everything. I am ruled by my emotions and when feelings take hold that is what I base my actions upon. My brain is always towed along but is full of guilt.
What am I trying to say here? The reason I was worried to get married was because I didn’t want to commit to certainty/control. Obviously marriage should not be taken lightly which is why I was taking the commitment seriously and because I felt that I could never say never I felt that this was a conflict to the vows I was to make.
To be continued…