Commitment issues

I’m sat here looking at the keyboard wondering what to write. It’s been a while and a lot seems to have happened but somehow I’ve not found the energy to blog about it. The most predominant issue has been to do with my upcoming marriage to my fiancé but also the ongoing battle with my social anxiety and secondary depression and all that comes along with it.

I am getting married on the 16th September to my partner of 13 years! Yes that’s right, 13 years! Wow, it’s been a long time but most certainly hasn’t felt like it. I can’t imagine life without him. (Or can I?)

So my parents came over to our house one Sunday back in January and said out of the blue that they would pay for our wedding ceremony. I couldn’t quite believe my ears. They were keen for us to get married, after all, we had at that point been together for 12 years. We personally had put it on the back burner because we thought it would be too expensive and didn’t have the money for it so when they offered to pay for the ceremony I was super motivated to take them up on their kind offer and start the planning process. Things happened really quickly from then. Within a couple of weeks a lot was already planned and bought. I’d found my wedding dress and bridesmaid dresses. My mum had bought us shoes and posies. We’d found and booked the ceremony venue and the reception venue. Everything was underway and seemed pretty stress-free! I thought planning a wedding was supposed to be stressful? I guess for me my expectations were pretty low. We were on a tight budget as although my parents had said they’d pay for the ceremony there was still a lot to account for including the reception venue, bar staff, photographer, catering, decorations, make-up artist, etc etc. Luckily for me my sister is a hairdresser so I dodged a bill there and my uncle runs an entertainment business so we got the disco very cheap!

So what’s the issue? A couple of months ago I think the realisation of what was soon to happen finally sunk in and I suddenly became very uncertain and anxious about it. Could I really commit myself to this man for as long as we both shall live? The seriousness of the vows began to worry me. I began to feel that I couldn’t promise myself to anyone. I always feel that I will do what I want to do and that I would never say never and things change. I didn’t feel that I could make such a huge commitment. I realised that I enjoyed the freedom of being a “free agent” (not tied down). With this in mind I began searching within myself and questioning everything. Was this really what I wanted? Did I see myself being with this man forever and starting a family? Mostly everything came back as “yes I can see myself with him” and “yes I can see myself starting a family with him” but there were still some big doubts about commitment. So much so that after tormenting myself with this anxiety I began crying one evening alone in the bathroom and after a while he came upstairs to see what was going on. I had to share the problem at this point about what was bothering me. I couldn’t quite fathom how to tell my fiancée that I wasn’t 100% sure that I really wanted to marry him. I didn’t want to hurt him unnecessarily but I also wanted to be honest with him. I managed to sputter out a couple of words “uncertainty fidelity” to which he stared at me blankly. Eventually I managed to explain how I was feeling. Surprisingly he took it relatively well or at least on the surface he did. Like with me the worries didn’t settle in initially and took some time to whirl around in his mind slowly causing uncertainty to take hold. I think he swept it away like he didn’t want it to be real and perhaps thought that if he pretended it would be ok that it would and so we left it at that and time went on while he was pretending everything would be ok and I was still left questioning what I really wanted…

To be continued.

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