I was at the Carphone Warehouse in Currys upgrading my phone when a man entered my personal space and I was momentarily perplexed until I recognised the man as a doctor from work. He began talking to me and we chatted for a minute or two until he went his own way.
I think when I saw him I had a slight feeling of apprehension about how this conversation was going to go but the fact that he was stood there right in front of me staring gave me no choice but to communicate, not that I didn’t want to but just that I was worried about how the interaction would go and what he and I thought of it during and after.
After it had ended I felt somewhat pleased/grateful that he’d taken the effort/time to speak to me. (Had the tables been turned my initial thought would have been to make sure he didn’t see me and avoid any interaction possible – why?) I thought it was sweet/kind for him to approach me but negative thoughts soon infiltrated my mind and dampened my mood. I began to think that the only reason he approached me was if to say “Ha! I’ve caught you out!” Like perhaps he was judging the fact I was there and not at work. (However, I don’t believe he would have known when I should be at work.) I wondered whether he’d inform my manager that he’d seen me out and then I began to think/worry that if that was the case then I could potentially be in trouble and have to explain my actions. Were they bad or not? I wasn’t sure. I wondered whether he may have been listening in to my interaction with the Carphone representative and if so whether he deemed me to be “fit” for work triggered me to think that perhaps I’m making up this anxiety and questioning whether I really have a valid problem which would cause me to take time off work.
I also had thoughts including whether he liked me or found me attractive and whether he found it easier to approach me outside of the work environment.
After writing all this down I realised that I was having thoughts which were fueling further thoughts and so on which was leading to me questioning myself and everyone else, causing me to distrust people or thinking they’re insincere, realising that I have low self-esteem and keep questioning who I am as a person and what I stand for and whether I take everyone’s opinion as fact and feel that it overrides my own.
I also wondered whether I don’t see the point in talking to people unless I’m going to get something from it > either friendship > or they do something to benefit me and shamefully I’m more likely to interact with them if I find them physically attractive.
I did show this to my therapist who informs me that this type of thinking is called Rumination and this is something we will talk about further in future sessions.