It’s so rare to feel energised and positive and when I do it feels amazing!! Today has been one of those days. Everything was different, I woke up several times thinking it must be time to get up now, we must have overslept but no we hadn’t. For some reason I was ready to get up! This is pretty rare. I’ve really been struggling lately sleeping too much. Just yesterday I stayed in bed until 2pm. I’d had probably had about 12/13 hours sleep and only got out of bed as I had an appointment to attend. Although my back was also aching so much at this point, it was becoming quite painful and uncomfortable. I had to have a good stretch when I got out. My muscles felt tense and I could feel the bones and cartilage cracking as I stretched. Rotating my neck around and feeling the nagging clicks as I got used to flexing my neck again. Sleep like that is never fulfilling, I was tired again later that afternoon especially after that CBT session I wrote about. I had a pretty bad headache after the appointment and felt sick.
Going back to today, I was up and out of bed, I wasn’t tempted to snooze the alarm and go back to sleep. It was a beautiful sunny morning, the sky was blue. I had my two cute little dogs ready to greet me with kisses (and keen to share my breakfast!) and my fiancé was in the living room sat on the sofa. I gave him a big kiss and cuddle and got my breakfast.
I got to work at a relatively good time. My employer is being very accommodating with my working hours which has been a great help. I’d had an email from my practice manager back on Tuesday which caused me a great deal of anxiety. She wanted to catch up with me about something. If you suffer with social anxiety I’m sure you can understand what sort of hell I was then plunged in to. (I will speak more on this later.) Anyway, today with my new-found confidence I went straight in to talk to her and lo and behold all this anxiety I had built up within myself was completely unnecessary! She was so reassuring and put my mind at ease immediately. In fact she has been really patient with me and always wanting to help if she can.
The rest of the morning I was typing up letters. I work as a secretary at a GP surgery. I managed to have a chat with one of my colleagues which was nice as I’ve not really been speaking to many people lately. Later on, I decided that I would share my diagnosis with my colleagues. I felt that by putting it out there that I would take a burden off my shoulders. I felt that if my colleagues knew what I was going through and why I was behaving in certain ways they might be more understanding and accepting. A few colleagues didn’t think I needed to share my personal information but I was happy to get it out in the open. I want to be more open about it and be able to talk more freely about it. As we all know mental health has a lot of stigma attached to it so I felt that by talking about it not only would I lessen anxieties strength over me but I would also be making people aware of mental illness and perhaps making them feel more open to share their mental problems if they had any. I feel that by holding in this secret about my disorder it would mean that I was ashamed of myself, that I felt that I was to blame for it and that I was weak for not being able to handle it. All of which I don’t want to feel like as it’s not going to help me in moving forward so personally I feel like I’ve made a really big and positive step forward today and I am all the happier for it. Not only that but I received some positive replies and chats with some of my colleagues which helped me to see that people are supportive of me and that they don’t think badly of me so I am greatly relieved and I feel now that I will be able to interact with them more freely!