I’m tired of talking about anxiety and letting it have so much power over me. I want to push it to the side and say “Go away, I don’t have time for you, you’re getting in my way!” No one truly cares if you have anxiety. Everyone wants you to just get on with it, get back to “normal”, eat, sleep, work, repeat!
I seem to have been complaining to myself for years, wishing I’d done things differently. I still wish now that I went to college instead of sixth form where I could hone in on what subjects really mattered to me so I could pave a way for myself. The things I wish I did were to study at least two languages, to learn more about creative writing and poetry. I am also interested in art and computers.
Back when I was at school I thought I wanted to be a journalist. I definitely wanted to write articles of some nature. Unfortunately I never went to university, not because I didn’t want to but because my parents didn’t allow me to. So hey, I landed myself several jobs doing admin! Go me! If you’re reading this now and you’re young make sure you do what you want to do so you don’t look back with regret later on!
I’m still not sure what I’m going to do now. I still would love to get in to writing so hopefully I’ll find a creative writing course. I think I just need some encouragement!
My mind is all over the place, I can’t seem to agree on anything, there is a constant conflict within me. I can understand the pros and cons of everything. I don’t even know what I’m writing. I just feel unsure all the time at the moment.
I had a couple of dreams last night, both strange but I wanted to make a note of them. The first was a dream where I had a penis and the other was where I was in a hospital but I was just walking around but I could see many men who were getting their legs cut off to the knee and at one point the doctor was pushing on this man’s stub and causing a great deal of pain to the man. I am not sure what these dreams symbolise but they were very strange!
I went to my hypnotherapy session on Thursday evening. I’m not quite sure what to say about it. I want to believe that it will help me but I can’t help but be sceptical. I’m a complete contradiction. I was made to relax. My eyes closed very easily and I was happy to lay back and listen to her voice. Initially I was fighting myself not to laugh because I felt that it was ridiculous. I want to laugh now too just thinking about it. Somehow I eventually put that urge to the side and listening to what she was saying. She was putting suggestions in to my subconscious mind. The aim was for me to forget the path I used to take and create a new one. Because it’s easy to forget, you forget things every day because it’s easy to forget. This is what she was repeating to me and it’s still stuck in my head now. I really do hope I see some benefit from these sessions and if it doesn’t then at least I’ve experienced something different. I will be seeing her again on Wednesday afternoon. I will have to assess how I’m feeling when I go back to work tomorrow. To see if I’m doing anything differently.
The next thing I wanted to touch on was to let you know that I’ve recently started reading “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain. I’ve found it quite helpful so far actually. I feel more accepting of who I am as an introvert. It seems that many introverts like myself struggle in today’s society where we are pushed to be more extroverted and if we aren’t then we are “not good enough”. I am more willing to be proud to be an introvert now and although the path seems harder, knowing that there are other like-minded people out there gives me something to fight for and that gives me hope and courage to be me! This is a really positive step for me and I hope I can continue to feel this way!
If you’re an introvert, there is nothing “wrong” with you! Let’s stay strong! 🙂