Honestly, I did enjoy parts of the London trip but I appear to have glazed over the negative feelings I had in my previous posts. I don’t really want to make anything negative but I also want to acknowledge my feelings from the trip.
This sounds stupid but we did too much walking. I would have preferred to have more down time. Particularly walking to attractions we’d seen in the past. This was possibly my anxiety wanting me to get away from all these people and go back to the room.
Also, I felt that I was ignored, any suggestions I had went unheard and weren’t even acknowledged. I felt that I was low down on the list of popularity, that I was the least influential. It probably doesn’t help that I feel that I am not worth speaking to and generally would prefer to be left alone. I’m sure this must exude from me. Perhaps I act in a certain way that shows other people my discomfort. When I’m not listened to it deters me from making the effort to make any suggestions and I therefore tend to tag along with what everyone else wants to do.
I certainly need to stop thinking inwardly on myself and take a look around. The constant judging of myself is of no help to me. I find myself comparing other people to me and thinking that X would prefer to speak to X than me. I take a backseat in conversations and when it comes to a time when I am in a position to speak directly to an individual I freeze up and feel awkward. I look away, pretend I’m busy. Sometimes fighting my anxiety to say something, ANYTHING and other times letting it overwhelm me and sitting there silently wishing I was back in my comfort zone.
I am hyper aware of people’s feelings. I hear arguments beginning to take place, they make me stiffen up like the hackles raising on a scared cat. I’m tense but I can’t stop listening. I am more aware than anyone what it going on between people. I can hear the snide comments, the berating and the over protective responses. It is a wave of emotion that I would rather not be party to.
Generally we had about an hour rest in the hotel before we had to go out again. I felt this was no time at all. After all, I was so pleased to be back but would soon have to force myself back out the door for more socialising.
I wish I had that ability to speak up and for people to acknowledge and respond to me.
I wish I was comfortable in the here and now and not worrying about what people think of me or what I think of myself.
I wish socialising wasn’t such a drain on my emotions and energy.