It was great to have a couple of days off to visit London, not only because we had a good time and saw a great play but because it gave me a break from work for a bit which I feel I needed.
I think my life at the moment is centralised on work and how I’m struggling with it mentally at the moment so it was nice to get out of that cycle for a while and I hope that when I go back tomorrow that it will give me a boost to tackle a full day (or as near a full day as possible!)
I want to take you back to when I visited a hypnotherapist on Wednesday last week. I had found her advertisement online and had been considering it for a little while. I finally took the plunge when I had that chat with my manager at work and felt that I needed to do something to push me forward and luckily the hypnotherapist had posted an offer for a free initial consultation and a first free session. I therefore arranged an appointment to see her which I did on Wednesday afternoon. My partner drove me to the spa where she was working from and although I didn’t know what to expect I was made to feel very comfortable. Her voice (the hypnotist) was very slow and soothing and reassuring and I felt like she already had me under her power! So first off she wanted us to get to know each other and she had a sheet of questions to ask me to explore my subconscious. Things like “How do you know you have social anxiety?”, “How do you know how to have it?”, “Where do you have it?”, “Where don’t you have it?”, etc. As you can imagine if you ask yourself these questions you really have to think deeply about them particularly the question of how to have social anxiety. What made me behaviour in a way of someone with social anxiety? This is something I wondered about. For some reason my subconscious developed a protective mechanism to keep away or fend off perceived threats. So it seems that something must have happened in my past where I felt challenged or felt badly about it which caused my mind to take it upon itself to “protect” me from any further occurrences. And obviously if you give in to the way that your brain wants you to act then you consolidate its way of thinking. So as you can imagine years and years of this behaviour or way of being began to create some real problems as time went on. To the point which has now brought me to see a hypnotherapist in any attempt to seek change, to be “fixed”, to be free of this unwanted feeling.
After the questioning had finished she asked me to close my eyes and imagine a time when I felt confident and to use this feeling to visualise myself being confident at work. She asked me to tell her how this feeling felt as a colour and she wanted to know if I felt any tingling in my body which I did and then she encouraged me to move this feeling around the different parts of my body so I was consumed by it. It was a really interesting feeling and I felt quite surprised to have conjured it somehow.
I was then encouraged to stand up, close my eyes and conjure up this time when I felt confident. She wanted me to visualise a circle on the floor in front of me and she wanted me to give it a colour. Then she said that once I step inside the circle I will feel confident and again I felt this feeling in my stomach which she prompted me to move once again around my body. Once that exercise was complete she asked me to fold up this imaginary circle and put it inside my back pocket so it would always be with me and I could pull it out and step in to it in a time of need. Of course I was a bit dubious about this to be honest and feel that more needs to be done to make me fully believe in this technique. Especially after she asked me to sit back down and place my hand on my knee and imagine a weight on the top of my hand pushing it down in to my knee. She then prompted me to lift my hand which I did with ease. I was of course worried that I shouldn’t have been able to do this, that maybe I hadn’t been fully concentrating and just going along with it. She said it wasn’t a problem that I was able to lift my hand but it caused a concern that whatever she was trying to achieve didn’t work.
I am still hopeful that she can do something with me. I have 3 sessions lined up, the first being this Thursday. As homework she has asked me to think about 10 things that are important to me, things that I stand for so I need to give some thought in to this.
She also encouraged me to believe that what other people think of me is not a reflection on me but a reflection on them. This is something I will try to adopt in future but I think I will need a lot more help yet…